Age of Banality

Pun

2010-07-22T19:59:00.001Z

A colleague made a play on words and then said;

'Excuse the Pun!'

Oh yeah, dead funny......

Weather

2010-06-06T11:28:00.002Z

Returning from Holiday, a friend said;

'You were lucky with the Weather'

I was lucky to be away from you.

Scary

2010-06-06T11:27:00.001Z

Assessing a work related task, my boss described it as;

'Scary Stuff'

Wanna' see something really scary?

Wash

2010-06-06T11:25:00.002Z

Tackling a work related problem with flippancy, a colleague said;

'It will all come out on the wash'

Not the amount of blood I'm about to spill mate.

Rid

2010-06-06T11:22:00.001Z

On my third day in a new job, the Boss said to me;

'We just can't get rid of you can we!'

No, but I can get rid of you.

Feathers

2009-10-07T13:48:00.001Z

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I had;

'Ruffled some feathers'

I fed him to the Pigeons

Cat

2009-10-07T13:47:00.002Z

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I'd;

'Put the Cat amongst the pigeons'

I fed him to the Lions

Fence

2009-10-06T19:08:00.002Z

I told someone, who appeared to take something I said the wrong way, 'please don't take offence' and they replied;

'I'll take a gate then'

I upset them again by killing their entire family. That'll teach them.

Shot

2009-08-30T21:04:00.003Z

Having made a bit of a mistake a colleague said;

'You've shot yourself in the foot'

I shot him in the face.

Blind

2009-08-26T19:59:00.003Z

I was explaining a product to a customer when they said;

'You're trying to blind me with science'

So I blinded them with a rusty spoon instead.

Resemblance

2009-08-09T14:46:00.001Z

Telling someone I thought they were being a bit stupid, they replied;

'I resemble that remark'

So I called them a corpse

Door

2009-06-29T21:39:00.002Z

I asked how a friend's job was going and they replied;

'It keeps the Wolves from the door'

Why would any self respecting Wolf visit your door?

Fit

2009-06-27T08:42:00.001Z

I asked someone how they were and they replied;

'I'm fit as a fiddle'

Kiddy fiddler you say? I'll have to kill you then I'm afraid.

Rain

2009-06-27T08:39:00.002Z

I asked someone how they were and they replied;

'I am as right as rain'

I'll rain down on you, that's for sure

Port

2009-06-13T11:04:00.004Z

In reply to my accusing a friend of being a little promiscuous, they said;

'Any port in a storm'

Any weapon in an attack.

Sight

2009-06-13T11:02:00.002Z

Going over a mistake and seeing the errors made, a colleague said;

'Any fool in hindsight'

Fucker's blind now.

Living

2009-06-11T18:45:00.001Z

How are you?

'I'm still in the land of the living'

Not for long!

Chocolate

2009-06-09T18:53:00.003Z

Suggesting someone was not up to par, a colleague stated;

'He's about as much use as a Chocolate Teapot'

He was right. A chocolate Teapot is no use at all. He got terribly scolded. Perhaps I shouldn't have held it over his head.

Bag

2009-06-09T18:49:00.003Z

Claiming someone was weak, a colleague stated that;

'He couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag'

Neither can my colleague. But then he was tied up. And the bag was plastic. And it was over his head.

Grave

2009-06-07T16:26:00.002Z

A relative shivered and said;

'Someone just walked over my grave'

Little did she know that that was going to come true sooner than she realised.

Français

2009-06-07T09:21:00.004Z

Rationalising some bad news, a friend said;

'C'est la vie'

C'est votre enterrement

Year

2009-06-01T19:25:00.001Z

Remarking on the date, a colleague said to me;

'I just don't know where the Year's gone'

Well, up your arse along with the rest of your life I suspect.

Dull

2009-05-23T09:12:00.001Z

Someone was busy and said;

'Never a dull moment'

Last moment for you

Bridge

2009-05-21T20:21:00.001Z

A feud had ended and when asked about it, someone said;

'It's all water under the bridge now'

It's all bodies under my lawn now.

Bury

2009-05-21T20:17:00.001Z

Wanting to end a feud, a friend said;

'Let's bury the hatchet'

So I did. In his skull.

Life

2009-05-21T20:14:00.001Z

Pleased with himself for making some sort of minor achievment, a colleague said to me;

'Life's not a rehearsal!'

Doesn't really matter because yours is over.

Idiot

2009-05-21T20:13:00.001Z

Annoyed at being ill treated a colleague said;

'Do I look like a fucking idiot?!'

Well, quite frankly, Yes.

Six

2009-05-21T20:11:00.002Z

Saying that something didn't matter, a friend said;

'It's six of one and half a dozen of the other'

I hit him for six alright.

Swings

2009-05-21T20:07:00.003Z

Saying that something didn't matter, a friend said;

'It all swings and roundabouts really'

I swung him from the gallows.

Snooze

2009-05-19T19:53:00.001Z

I missed the opportunity to buy a concert ticket and a friend who had been successful said;

'You snooze, You lose'

Poor man lost his life

Stick

2009-05-19T19:51:00.002Z

I was discussing footwear with someone and they stated that they had more training shoes...

''than you could shake a stick at'

It just doesn't mean anything

Going

2009-05-19T19:08:00.001Z

I asked how someone was and they replied;

'I don't know if I'm coming or going'

You're going

Bed

2009-05-19T19:06:00.002Z

I made a mistake and someone said;

'You've made your bed, you had better lie in it'

Well, you just dug your grave

Bills

2009-05-14T21:09:00.002Z

I asked how a friend's job was and they said;

'It pays the bills'

Let's hope it covers your funeral then.

M25

2009-05-14T21:06:00.002Z

I said that I had had some difficulty driving on the London ring road and someone said;

'M25? Biggest Car park in Britain'

Under Tarmac for you.

Wolves

2009-05-14T21:04:00.001Z

How's your job?

'Oh, you know, it keeps the Wolves from the door'

But Granny, how six feet under you are.

Traffic

2009-05-14T20:57:00.004Z

I asked someone how their journey was and they replied;

'Traffic was Murder'

Good, you're used to it then

Survivor

2009-05-12T19:42:00.000Z

How are you?

'I'm surviving'

Not any more

Shovel

2009-05-07T20:26:00.001Z

A mate had bought a new car and he said;

'It goes like shit off a shovel'

I wonder how he tested the speed of shit off a shovel?

Goes

2009-05-07T20:25:00.000Z

Appraising a female a friend said;

'I bet she goes!'

Goes where?

Born

2009-05-07T20:24:00.002Z

An old timer said to me;

'Kids today don't know they're born'

Well I expect they do really, don't they twat!

Paint

2009-05-07T20:21:00.001Z

Suggesting something was boring, a friend said;

'That's like watching Paint dry'

How the Fuck would anybody know what watching Paint dry is like?!

Dishwater

2009-05-07T20:18:00.001Z

Feeling something was boring, someone stated;

'That's as dull as dishwater'

Nothing dull about drowning you in a bowl of it though

Sensible

2009-05-07T20:13:00.003Z

Suggesting someone was sensible, a colleague said;

'He's got his head screwed on'

You would have thought that that was not entirely sensible really, as a neck appears to be the best option

Head

2009-05-07T20:12:00.002Z

Having been absent minded, someone said;

'I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on'

I removed it, but just couldn't see how to screw it back on

Special

2009-05-07T20:09:00.002Z

I proposed that I should be the one to do something, that I assume someone else thought I should not when they said;

'What makes you so special then?'

I'm a serial killer

Gate

2009-05-07T20:07:00.001Z

Asking someone where they were going on Holiday, they said;

'Our Gate'

Gates of Hell for you mate

(I believe this is a play on Margate by the way)

Good

2009-05-07T19:35:00.005Z

Greeting a colleague, I said 'Good Morning' and he replied

'what's good about it?'

Not much for you, as it's your last

Sweet

2009-04-29T19:45:00.003Z

I offered a visitor a Coffee. Asking if they wanted Sugar, they replied;

'No thanks, I'm sweet enough'

Should make my grass grow well when your six feet under my lawn then.

Double

2009-04-29T19:22:00.002Z

Two friends were talking, one said 'gosh it's hot today'

The other replied 'you can say that again'

The first one then repeated 'gosh it's hot today'

Double Homicide!

Party

2007-09-07T19:21:00.000Z

I said that I thought someone had had a good idea and they said (pointing to head then groin);

'Up here for thinking and down here partying'

I cut them off and swapped them over. Bet that confused him.

Nose

2007-09-07T19:20:00.000Z

Stating something was obvious, someone said;

'It's as plain as the nose on your face'

Not now I've sliced it off with a blunt razor.

Hatrack

2007-09-07T19:17:00.000Z

I praised an employee for being clever and he said (pointing to his head);

'This isn't just a Hatrack you know'

I know. It also makes a great football.

Wash

2007-09-07T19:14:00.000Z

I was explaining a problem I had and a friend said;

'It will all come out in the wash'

Blood doesn't and I'm covered in it after chopping him up into bite size chunks.

Off

2007-08-10T18:29:00.000Z

Telling someone I was leaving I said 'I'm off' and they replied;

'I thought I could smell something!'

Do it without a face you fucking imbecile.

Win

2007-08-09T20:34:00.000Z

Talking about something that someone likes to pretend, for some odd reason, they can not afford, they say;

'When I win the Lottery!'

The chances of that are 147,000,000 to one. The chances on you dying are evens.

Camp

2007-06-19T17:28:00.000Z

I do not have a problem expressing my anger and actually I find it rather therapeutic. Imagine my chagrin then, when a work colleague said;

'You're not a happy camper today'

I couldn't help chuckling at the irony of how a body bag did look a bit like a sleeping bag.

End

2007-06-17T09:48:00.000Z

I had had some bad news and a friend said;

'It's not the end of the World'

It is for you

Wood

2007-06-07T19:04:00.000Z

Being optimistic but also fearing fate a friend said;

'Touch Wood'

I touched them with a baseball bat. That's touching wood for you mate.

Cap

2007-06-07T19:03:00.001Z

I accused someone of being stupid and they said;

'If the Cap fits, wear it'

Size 9 concrete boots for you then.

Half

2007-06-04T19:10:00.000Z

I greeted someone, 'all right?' and they chose to respond;

'No mate, I'm half left'

Left for dead, that's how I fucking left him.

Fire

2007-06-04T19:08:00.000Z

I said that I doubted someone's theory and they said;

'Well, there's no smoke without fire'

I certainly proved that there is smoke with fire, by setting his hair alight.

Roll

2007-05-31T18:43:00.000Z

A colleague was feeling tired of life and exclaimed;

'Roll on Christmas'

Why? Are you leaving then?

6

2007-05-31T18:41:00.000Z

Having been surprised, my friend said;

'It really knocked me for six'

So did I. With a cricket bat.

Africa

2007-05-31T18:39:00.000Z

Remember your Mum saying this when you hadn't finished your tea?

'There are starving children in Africa who would love to have that in front of them.'

With all due respect Mother, I don't think anyone would want to have this in front of them.

Waste

2007-05-31T18:38:00.000Z

Remember your Mum saying this when you hadn't finished your tea?

'Waste not, want not'

Bollocks! I still want new parents.

Million

2007-05-31T18:36:00.000Z

Remember your Mum saying this?

'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times........ '

Fuck off Mum.

Feather

2007-05-31T18:35:00.000Z

I said something someone was surprised at and they said;

'Well knock me down with a Feather'

I'd rather use this brick if it's ok with you.

Complain

2007-05-30T19:00:00.000Z

How are you?

'Can't complain'

Why not? The world's shit while you're in it.

ill

2007-05-30T18:47:00.001Z

Someone I knew was ill, so I asked them how they were;

'I'll live'

I doubt that.

Medicine

2007-05-30T18:45:00.000Z

I offered someone an alcoholic drink and they accepted with the phrase;

'Oh go on then, just for medicinal purposes'

Yeah, you need medicine you sick fuck.

Horse

2007-05-30T18:41:00.000Z

I was making someone some food and they said;

'I'm so hungry I could eat a Horse'

Eat Lead you prick.

n.b. I also understand that 'scabby cat' is a favourite of Banals.

Broken

2007-05-30T18:39:00.000Z

I suggested that we make some changes at work and someone said;

'If it isn't broken, don't fix it'

Fix this broken leg you fucker.

Dull

2007-05-15T19:33:00.001Z

To express how busy he was at work, a colleague said to me;

'Never a dull day!'

Never another day for you mate.

Rehearsal

2007-04-23T21:23:00.000Z

I said that I didn't want to join in with something and someone said;

'Life's not a rehearsal'

Curtains closed for you, you prick.

Face

2006-09-06T19:48:00.000Z

I congratulated a colleague on a job well done and they replied;

'I'm not just a pretty face you know'

No. You're a pretty fucking ugly face you know.

Chips

2006-09-03T19:20:00.000Z

Exclaiming how inexpensive something was, someone said to me;

'They are as cheap as chips'

Like you're wife.

Eggs

2006-09-03T19:18:00.000Z

Stating that some thing is a definite someone might say;

'As sure as eggs is eggs'

As sure as eggs is eggs, you're a gonner

Trying

2006-08-30T21:12:00.000Z

A friend of mine asked what I was doing. I said 'I'm trying to fix this light', to which she replied;

'Trying? Yes, you're very trying'

I tried her. Found her guilty. She got hung.

Young

2006-08-23T20:48:00.000Z

I said I was old at 39 years and someone said;

'You're as old as the Woman you feel'

Great, that's just taken off 25 years

Old

2006-08-23T20:46:00.000Z

I said that I was old at 39 years and someone said;

'You're as old as you feel'

Great, that's just added 25 years

Science

2006-07-11T20:07:00.000Z

Trying to demonstrate that something was simple, my Boss said;

'It's not Rocket Science'

I know, I have a degree in Rocket Science. You clearly only have a degree in Banality.

Fish

2006-07-05T21:38:00.000Z

I made a comment and someone replied;

'What's that got to do with the price of fish?'

Prick

5

2006-07-02T19:15:00.000Z

I think I must hear this everyday. Ask someone at work if they're ok and they say;

'I will be when it's 5 o'clock'

Why? Do you become less of a nauseating twat at 5?

Hips

2006-07-02T19:14:00.000Z

A woman was eating a cake and her female friend said;

'A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!'

Well it will be longer on your lips then.

Watch

2006-06-22T20:02:00.000Z

Can I watch the TV dad?

'Yes, but don't turn it on.'

An orphan so young.

Biscuits

2006-06-22T20:00:00.001Z

I put a large plate of biscuits out for a meeting at work and this guy says;

'What are you going to eat?'

Your wife's pussy.

Woods

2006-06-22T19:58:00.000Z

Fancy a pint?

'Do Bears shit in the woods?'

Well You can find out when I've buried you in them.

Dollar

2006-06-22T19:57:00.000Z

How's work going?

'Another day, another Dollar'

You really don't deserve to earn that much.

Same

2006-06-22T19:55:00.000Z

How's work going?

'Same shit, different day'

Same you as well unfortunately.

Mud

2006-06-06T20:59:00.000Z

I showed someone some instructions and they said;

'They're as clear as Mud'

Best you become familiar then, as you're going to be under 6 feet of the stuff.

Desk

2006-06-02T21:25:00.000Z

I was having a fag outside the office and a colleague said to me;

'You might as well move your desk out here!'

Well you might as well move yours to the cemetary, because that's where you're destined.

Book

2006-05-28T16:48:00.000Z

New Film out? Inevitably You will hear this;

'It's not as good as the Book though.'

Wouldn't know mate, I can't read.

postscript; I am planning to do a count of the number of times that I hear this comment about the Da Vinci Code and will post the results after a month or so.

Miserable

2006-05-28T16:45:00.000Z

It's raining and someone says;

'Miserable out there isn't it'

Not as miserable as being in here with you.

Lotto

2006-05-28T16:40:00.000Z

Standing behind someone in a queue and they say to the underpaid fool at the counter;

'Can I have the winning Lottery ticket please.'

They laugh politely and say that they will do their best. Why didn't they just say that it was the millionth time that they had heard that pathetic excuse for a joke and that they really needed something better than that, for example drink and drugs, to improve their day and actually, no, they couldn't have the winning lottery ticket, or any ticket in fact and that they could just Fuck right off. I just can't work it out.

Similar

2006-05-22T19:19:00.000Z

I told someone what I thought of them and I believe they assumed me to portray similar characteristics when they said;

'Pot, Kettle, Black!'

Ready, Aim, Fire!

Grumble

2006-05-20T20:14:00.000Z

How are you?

'Mustn't grumble?'

Why not? There's not much that's good about you.

String

2006-05-15T08:53:00.000Z

Asking how long something will take, you might hear the non-answer;

'How long's a piece of string?'

Hopefully long enough to make a noose.

Worry

2006-05-15T08:52:00.000Z

When things aren't exactly going to plan someone might proffer the wisdom;

'Not to worry, not long 'til Christmas.'

Don't reckon you're going to make it mate.

To do

2006-05-08T18:21:00.000Z

How are you?

'Oh You know, too much to do and not enough time'

Fine, I'll get off the fucking phone then.