Better

Returning to work from a spell of sickness, someone asked me

Are you feeling better?

No, I'm feeling much worse, like you are about to you Prick

String

I was seeking an answert to a question at work when a colleague said;

'How long is a piece of string?'

Long enough to Fucking hang you with

Pun

A colleague made a play on words and then said;

'Excuse the Pun!'

Oh yeah, dead funny......

Weather

Returning from Holiday, a friend said;

'You were lucky with the Weather'

I was lucky to be away from you.

Scary

Assessing a work related task, my boss described it as;

'Scary Stuff'

Wanna' see something really scary?

Wash

Tackling a work related problem with flippancy, a colleague said;

'It will all come out on the wash'

Not the amount of blood I'm about to spill mate.

Rid

On my third day in a new job, the Boss said to me;

'We just can't get rid of you can we!'

No, but I can get rid of you.

Feathers

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I had;

'Ruffled some feathers'

I fed him to the Pigeons

Cat

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I'd;

'Put the Cat amongst the pigeons'

I fed him to the Lions

Fence

I told someone, who appeared to take something I said the wrong way, 'please don't take offence' and they replied;

'I'll take a gate then'

I upset them again by killing their entire family. That'll teach them.

Shot

Having made a bit of a mistake a colleague said;

'You've shot yourself in the foot'

I shot him in the face.