Working

Minding my own business at work and some smart alec says to me;

'Are you working hard, or hardly working?'

You'll be hardly living when I'm through.

People

Someone goes on Holiday. You ask them what it was like.
They say;

'It was lovely, the people were really friendly'

From Bali to Borneo, from Fiji to France, the people are really friendly. Why is it such a surprise to you that people are friendly towards you? It's because anyone that knows you realises that you are a Cunt.

In Laws

When you get married you obviously gain a Family of In Laws. Or as a bloke I used to work with would say;

'I'm going out tonight. Taking the Wife for a meal with the Outlaws.'

Call them that to their faces then. Believe me that they were much more disappointed by you than you were by them.

Marriage

How long have you been Married? I ask

'15 Years. You get less for Murder!!'

Really? Well, I'm about to find out.

Nearly

How are you? I asked someone on a Thursday morning and they replied;

'Not too bad, you know, it's nearly Friday'

It's always nearly Friday isn't it really. I mean in the scale of things except for when it is actually Friday, the one day when you are truly happy, it is pretty much only 6 days or less until it's Friday. Perhaps we should call every day Friday. Or shoot you.

Holiday

Upon returning from Holiday you might get asked the following question;

'Where did you go? Anywhere nice?'

No. This year we thought we'd do something different and went somewhere really shit.

Time

Walking along minding my own business and someone asks;

'Do you have the right time?'

No. I have the wrong fucking time, would that be any good?

Job

Trying to get ahead in your job? Someone might give you this advise;

'It's not what you know, but who you know....'

Tell it to Stephen Hawking.

Disaster

Natural disaster? There's always someone who will say something along the lines of;

'Oh, it's terrible isn't it. All those poor people. I had friends who were there only six Months ago. Someone who works with my Brother's ex Girlfriend. Yes they were around there somewhere I think. Oh it's just awful isn't it.'

Guess what? You're going to find out exactly what it's like because I'm shipping you out there now.

Lottery

£8 million lottery rollover? Someone is bound to say;

'It's just too much money though isn't it?'

Stay a pauper then you fool

Stairs

Everytime I walk up the stairs in my office with a visitor they say;

'I bet this keeps you fit'

Back down you go.

Alright

Alright? you ask someone, and how do they respond?

'No. I'm half left'

It's time you left, mate

Tomorrow

Going through a bad time? Someone might proffer the wisdom;

'Don't worry, tomorrow's the first day of the rest of your life'

And this is the last day of yours buddy

World

When it turns out that you know someone that the person you are talking to knows, they might say

'It's a small World'

Well no, it's actually really very big. And you know what? I could make it seem just a little bit bigger by removing you from it.

Pound

'If I had a Pound for every time you said that I'd be a Millionaire'

Are you sure about that? Cock.

Hours

'There aren't enough hours in the day'

To do what exactly? How many hours do you need to be a Bell end?

Monday

How are You?

'Oh, you know, it's Monday'

Oh Yes, Thank you. That explains everything.
If you are so depressed every Monday why don't you give us all a break and kill yourself?

Friday

How are You today?

'Ok........It's friday!'

Well that doesn't tell me anything. It's Friday for me as well but that doesn't make the fact that you are a Twat any easier to cope with.
Is it being Friday some sort of cure all? To me it's just two days before you tell me the weekend went too quickly.

Race

'Nice day for the race'

What Race?

'The Human Race. But don't worry, you're not in it'

Just not funny.

Dark

Trying to explain something to a colleague you might say 'at the end of the day....'
However before you can finish your sentence they might pitch in with...

'It get's dark'

Yes. The Sun won't be rising for you again.

Name

To attract someone's attention You might call their name
They might reply

'That's my name, don't wear it out.'

What shall I call You then, an Ambulance? You're going to need one when I'm through with You.

Farewell

Another Farewell Banality.......

'See You, wouldn't want to be You'

That's right You wouldn't, because I'm going to prison for killing You.

Slap

Commenting on something of moderate good fortune, someone might comment

'Well it's better that a slap in the face with a wet fish'

Well I don't doubt it but it is highly unlikely that I am going to be slapped in the face by a wet fish. Or poked in the eye with a pointed stick for that matter.

Date

What's the Date? An innocous enough question. Someone says the 28th. Fine, but why follow it up with

'It's the 28th mate. All day.'

Someone shut these people up!

Tea

Ever offered someone a cup of Tea? Of course you have.
'How would you like it?' you ask...

The Reply?

'Warm and Wet'

Silly me, I was going to give you a cup of cold, dry Tea.
Fool!

Diet

So many people are trying to lose weight. It's easy, don't eat too much. Do you know any people who have been on the Sea food diet?

'See Food and I eat it!'

Yes, that's obvious.

Toys

Heard this one?

'I bought my kids all these really expensive toys for Christmas (Birthday) and they just wanted to play with the Box'

Well that's odd beacause my kids played with the Scalectrix. Maybe your kids are losers?

Christmas

'Christmas is just so commercial nowadays isn't it?'

Because you don't buy three times more food than you need and shower your family in junk they don't want, do you?

Window

Instead of saying 'see you', some people may choose to say;

'If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through a window'

I might put you through a window mate.

Goodbye

When I say goodbye to someone in person I may choose to say 'See you' or 'See you later'.
Sometimes the response will be;

'Not if I see you first'

Well, no. That's not someone I will be seeing again.

Weather

We have a varied climate in the UK. We should be used to it really. And when it rains?

'Nice weather. (pause) If you're a Duck!!'

This is just not acceptable behaviour I'm afraid.

Cannibalism

Heard this one? You're talking about kids and some joker pipes up, as if he's the first to say it....

'I love kids. Mind you I couldn't eat a whole one.'

That's right. Because you'd choke and that would be a massive loss to us all.

Women

'Women! Can't live with them. Can't live with them.'

Go on then. Leave. Cook your own food and clean up your own filth. You couldn't stand on your own two feet if you had concrete boots on.

Wellbeing

So I worked with this guy who thought he was funny. He was actually a pest. Ask him how he was and he always replied the same way.......

'Not three bad'

This can be used in other ways, for example; 'I could do with a drink or three.'

Bring back hanging, that's what I say.

Kids

Got kids? I have. Kids are great. Can be hard work, but the rewards are massive. The biggest Banality you hear about kids?

'They grow up so quickly, don't they?'

No. It takes the same number of years it took you.

Weekend

Monday morning and you're dragging yourself into the job you have convinced yourself is a career. And of course you ask your colleagues if they had a good weekend. How do they answer?

'Yes, but it goes too quickly doesn't it.'

And it's not just the dullards, is it. It's people who you thought were intelligent and lived fulfilling lives, had loving families and active social lives. But apparently it goes too quickly for them as well. Banals!