In Laws

When you get married you obviously gain a Family of In Laws. Or as a bloke I used to work with would say;

'I'm going out tonight. Taking the Wife for a meal with the Outlaws.'

Call them that to their faces then. Believe me that they were much more disappointed by you than you were by them.

Marriage

How long have you been Married? I ask

'15 Years. You get less for Murder!!'

Really? Well, I'm about to find out.

Nearly

How are you? I asked someone on a Thursday morning and they replied;

'Not too bad, you know, it's nearly Friday'

It's always nearly Friday isn't it really. I mean in the scale of things except for when it is actually Friday, the one day when you are truly happy, it is pretty much only 6 days or less until it's Friday. Perhaps we should call every day Friday. Or shoot you.

Holiday

Upon returning from Holiday you might get asked the following question;

'Where did you go? Anywhere nice?'

No. This year we thought we'd do something different and went somewhere really shit.

Time

Walking along minding my own business and someone asks;

'Do you have the right time?'

No. I have the wrong fucking time, would that be any good?

Job

Trying to get ahead in your job? Someone might give you this advise;

'It's not what you know, but who you know....'

Tell it to Stephen Hawking.

Disaster

Natural disaster? There's always someone who will say something along the lines of;

'Oh, it's terrible isn't it. All those poor people. I had friends who were there only six Months ago. Someone who works with my Brother's ex Girlfriend. Yes they were around there somewhere I think. Oh it's just awful isn't it.'

Guess what? You're going to find out exactly what it's like because I'm shipping you out there now.

Lottery

£8 million lottery rollover? Someone is bound to say;

'It's just too much money though isn't it?'

Stay a pauper then you fool

Stairs

Everytime I walk up the stairs in my office with a visitor they say;

'I bet this keeps you fit'

Back down you go.

Alright

Alright? you ask someone, and how do they respond?

'No. I'm half left'

It's time you left, mate