Book

New Film out? Inevitably You will hear this;

'It's not as good as the Book though.'

Wouldn't know mate, I can't read.

postscript; I am planning to do a count of the number of times that I hear this comment about the Da Vinci Code and will post the results after a month or so.

Miserable

It's raining and someone says;

'Miserable out there isn't it'

Not as miserable as being in here with you.

Lotto

Standing behind someone in a queue and they say to the underpaid fool at the counter;

'Can I have the winning Lottery ticket please.'

They laugh politely and say that they will do their best. Why didn't they just say that it was the millionth time that they had heard that pathetic excuse for a joke and that they really needed something better than that, for example drink and drugs, to improve their day and actually, no, they couldn't have the winning lottery ticket, or any ticket in fact and that they could just Fuck right off. I just can't work it out.

Similar

I told someone what I thought of them and I believe they assumed me to portray similar characteristics when they said;

'Pot, Kettle, Black!'

Ready, Aim, Fire!

Grumble

How are you?

'Mustn't grumble?'

Why not? There's not much that's good about you.

String

Asking how long something will take, you might hear the non-answer;

'How long's a piece of string?'

Hopefully long enough to make a noose.

Worry

When things aren't exactly going to plan someone might proffer the wisdom;

'Not to worry, not long 'til Christmas.'

Don't reckon you're going to make it mate.

To do

How are you?

'Oh You know, too much to do and not enough time'

Fine, I'll get off the fucking phone then.

Rip off

I was showing someone my new watch. They asked how much and I said £140.00, which I thought was reasonable. Evidently unimpressed, I received the following shot across the bows;

'Well they saw you coming, didn't they!'

Didn't see the Bus coming though did he and it wasn't even going that fast. Almost as though someone had pushed him out in front of it, however I was the only one around and I can tell you he slipped on a patch of ice.