Feathers

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I had;

'Ruffled some feathers'

I fed him to the Pigeons

Cat

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I'd;

'Put the Cat amongst the pigeons'

I fed him to the Lions

Fence

I told someone, who appeared to take something I said the wrong way, 'please don't take offence' and they replied;

'I'll take a gate then'

I upset them again by killing their entire family. That'll teach them.

Shot

Having made a bit of a mistake a colleague said;

'You've shot yourself in the foot'

I shot him in the face.

Blind

I was explaining a product to a customer when they said;

'You're trying to blind me with science'

So I blinded them with a rusty spoon instead.

Resemblance

Telling someone I thought they were being a bit stupid, they replied;

'I resemble that remark'

So I called them a corpse

Door

I asked how a friend's job was going and they replied;

'It keeps the Wolves from the door'

Why would any self respecting Wolf visit your door?

Fit

I asked someone how they were and they replied;

'I'm fit as a fiddle'

Kiddy fiddler you say? I'll have to kill you then I'm afraid.

Rain

I asked someone how they were and they replied;

'I am as right as rain'

I'll rain down on you, that's for sure

Port

In reply to my accusing a friend of being a little promiscuous, they said;

'Any port in a storm'

Any weapon in an attack.

Sight

Going over a mistake and seeing the errors made, a colleague said;

'Any fool in hindsight'

Fucker's blind now.

Living

How are you?

'I'm still in the land of the living'

Not for long!

Chocolate

Suggesting someone was not up to par, a colleague stated;

'He's about as much use as a Chocolate Teapot'

He was right. A chocolate Teapot is no use at all. He got terribly scolded. Perhaps I shouldn't have held it over his head.

Bag

Claiming someone was weak, a colleague stated that;

'He couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag'

Neither can my colleague. But then he was tied up. And the bag was plastic. And it was over his head.

Grave

A relative shivered and said;

'Someone just walked over my grave'

Little did she know that that was going to come true sooner than she realised.

Français

Rationalising some bad news, a friend said;

'C'est la vie'

C'est votre enterrement

Year

Remarking on the date, a colleague said to me;

'I just don't know where the Year's gone'

Well, up your arse along with the rest of your life I suspect.

Dull

Someone was busy and said;

'Never a dull moment'

Last moment for you

Bridge

A feud had ended and when asked about it, someone said;

'It's all water under the bridge now'

It's all bodies under my lawn now.

Bury

Wanting to end a feud, a friend said;

'Let's bury the hatchet'

So I did. In his skull.

Life

Pleased with himself for making some sort of minor achievment, a colleague said to me;

'Life's not a rehearsal!'

Doesn't really matter because yours is over.

Idiot

Annoyed at being ill treated a colleague said;

'Do I look like a fucking idiot?!'

Well, quite frankly, Yes.

Six

Saying that something didn't matter, a friend said;

'It's six of one and half a dozen of the other'

I hit him for six alright.

Swings

Saying that something didn't matter, a friend said;

'It all swings and roundabouts really'

I swung him from the gallows.

Snooze

I missed the opportunity to buy a concert ticket and a friend who had been successful said;

'You snooze, You lose'

Poor man lost his life

Stick

I was discussing footwear with someone and they stated that they had more training shoes...

''than you could shake a stick at'

It just doesn't mean anything

Going

I asked how someone was and they replied;

'I don't know if I'm coming or going'

You're going

Bed

I made a mistake and someone said;

'You've made your bed, you had better lie in it'

Well, you just dug your grave

Bills

I asked how a friend's job was and they said;

'It pays the bills'

Let's hope it covers your funeral then.

M25

I said that I had had some difficulty driving on the London ring road and someone said;

'M25? Biggest Car park in Britain'

Under Tarmac for you.

Wolves

How's your job?

'Oh, you know, it keeps the Wolves from the door'

But Granny, how six feet under you are.

Traffic

I asked someone how their journey was and they replied;

'Traffic was Murder'

Good, you're used to it then

Survivor

How are you?

'I'm surviving'

Not any more

Shovel

A mate had bought a new car and he said;

'It goes like shit off a shovel'

I wonder how he tested the speed of shit off a shovel?

Goes

Appraising a female a friend said;

'I bet she goes!'

Goes where?

Born

An old timer said to me;

'Kids today don't know they're born'

Well I expect they do really, don't they twat!

Paint

Suggesting something was boring, a friend said;

'That's like watching Paint dry'

How the Fuck would anybody know what watching Paint dry is like?!

Dishwater

Feeling something was boring, someone stated;

'That's as dull as dishwater'

Nothing dull about drowning you in a bowl of it though

Sensible

Suggesting someone was sensible, a colleague said;

'He's got his head screwed on'

You would have thought that that was not entirely sensible really, as a neck appears to be the best option

Head

Having been absent minded, someone said;

'I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on'

I removed it, but just couldn't see how to screw it back on

Special

I proposed that I should be the one to do something, that I assume someone else thought I should not when they said;

'What makes you so special then?'

I'm a serial killer

Gate

Asking someone where they were going on Holiday, they said;

'Our Gate'

Gates of Hell for you mate

(I believe this is a play on Margate by the way)

Good

Greeting a colleague, I said 'Good Morning' and he replied

'what's good about it?'

Not much for you, as it's your last

Sweet

I offered a visitor a Coffee. Asking if they wanted Sugar, they replied;

'No thanks, I'm sweet enough'

Should make my grass grow well when your six feet under my lawn then.

Double

Two friends were talking, one said 'gosh it's hot today'

The other replied 'you can say that again'

The first one then repeated 'gosh it's hot today'

Double Homicide!