Shot

Having made a bit of a mistake a colleague said;

'You've shot yourself in the foot'

I shot him in the face.

Blind

I was explaining a product to a customer when they said;

'You're trying to blind me with science'

So I blinded them with a rusty spoon instead.

Resemblance

Telling someone I thought they were being a bit stupid, they replied;

'I resemble that remark'

So I called them a corpse