Traffic

I asked someone how their journey was and they replied;

'Traffic was Murder'

Good, you're used to it then

Survivor

How are you?

'I'm surviving'

Not any more

Shovel

A mate had bought a new car and he said;

'It goes like shit off a shovel'

I wonder how he tested the speed of shit off a shovel?

Goes

Appraising a female a friend said;

'I bet she goes!'

Goes where?

Born

An old timer said to me;

'Kids today don't know they're born'

Well I expect they do really, don't they twat!

Paint

Suggesting something was boring, a friend said;

'That's like watching Paint dry'

How the Fuck would anybody know what watching Paint dry is like?!

Dishwater

Feeling something was boring, someone stated;

'That's as dull as dishwater'

Nothing dull about drowning you in a bowl of it though

Sensible

Suggesting someone was sensible, a colleague said;

'He's got his head screwed on'

You would have thought that that was not entirely sensible really, as a neck appears to be the best option

Head

Having been absent minded, someone said;

'I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on'

I removed it, but just couldn't see how to screw it back on

Special

I proposed that I should be the one to do something, that I assume someone else thought I should not when they said;

'What makes you so special then?'

I'm a serial killer

Gate

Asking someone where they were going on Holiday, they said;

'Our Gate'

Gates of Hell for you mate

(I believe this is a play on Margate by the way)

Good

Greeting a colleague, I said 'Good Morning' and he replied

'what's good about it?'

Not much for you, as it's your last

Sweet

I offered a visitor a Coffee. Asking if they wanted Sugar, they replied;

'No thanks, I'm sweet enough'

Should make my grass grow well when your six feet under my lawn then.

Double

Two friends were talking, one said 'gosh it's hot today'

The other replied 'you can say that again'

The first one then repeated 'gosh it's hot today'

Double Homicide!

Party

I said that I thought someone had had a good idea and they said (pointing to head then groin);

'Up here for thinking and down here partying'

I cut them off and swapped them over. Bet that confused him.

Nose

Stating something was obvious, someone said;

'It's as plain as the nose on your face'

Not now I've sliced it off with a blunt razor.

Hatrack

I praised an employee for being clever and he said (pointing to his head);

'This isn't just a Hatrack you know'

I know. It also makes a great football.

Wash

I was explaining a problem I had and a friend said;

'It will all come out in the wash'

Blood doesn't and I'm covered in it after chopping him up into bite size chunks.

Off

Telling someone I was leaving I said 'I'm off' and they replied;

'I thought I could smell something!'

Do it without a face you fucking imbecile.

Win

Talking about something that someone likes to pretend, for some odd reason, they can not afford, they say;

'When I win the Lottery!'

The chances of that are 147,000,000 to one. The chances on you dying are evens.