Swings

Saying that something didn't matter, a friend said;

'It all swings and roundabouts really'

I swung him from the gallows.

Snooze

I missed the opportunity to buy a concert ticket and a friend who had been successful said;

'You snooze, You lose'

Poor man lost his life

Stick

I was discussing footwear with someone and they stated that they had more training shoes...

''than you could shake a stick at'

It just doesn't mean anything

Going

I asked how someone was and they replied;

'I don't know if I'm coming or going'

You're going

Bed

I made a mistake and someone said;

'You've made your bed, you had better lie in it'

Well, you just dug your grave

Bills

I asked how a friend's job was and they said;

'It pays the bills'

Let's hope it covers your funeral then.

M25

I said that I had had some difficulty driving on the London ring road and someone said;

'M25? Biggest Car park in Britain'

Under Tarmac for you.

Wolves

How's your job?

'Oh, you know, it keeps the Wolves from the door'

But Granny, how six feet under you are.

Traffic

I asked someone how their journey was and they replied;

'Traffic was Murder'

Good, you're used to it then

Survivor

How are you?

'I'm surviving'

Not any more

Shovel

A mate had bought a new car and he said;

'It goes like shit off a shovel'

I wonder how he tested the speed of shit off a shovel?

Goes

Appraising a female a friend said;

'I bet she goes!'

Goes where?

Born

An old timer said to me;

'Kids today don't know they're born'

Well I expect they do really, don't they twat!

Paint

Suggesting something was boring, a friend said;

'That's like watching Paint dry'

How the Fuck would anybody know what watching Paint dry is like?!

Dishwater

Feeling something was boring, someone stated;

'That's as dull as dishwater'

Nothing dull about drowning you in a bowl of it though

Sensible

Suggesting someone was sensible, a colleague said;

'He's got his head screwed on'

You would have thought that that was not entirely sensible really, as a neck appears to be the best option

Head

Having been absent minded, someone said;

'I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on'

I removed it, but just couldn't see how to screw it back on

Special

I proposed that I should be the one to do something, that I assume someone else thought I should not when they said;

'What makes you so special then?'

I'm a serial killer

Gate

Asking someone where they were going on Holiday, they said;

'Our Gate'

Gates of Hell for you mate

(I believe this is a play on Margate by the way)

Good

Greeting a colleague, I said 'Good Morning' and he replied

'what's good about it?'

Not much for you, as it's your last