Hand

I asked someone to give me a hand and they Clapped

I shot them

Better

'How are you?' I ask,

'I could be better.'

At what?

Cold

All I have heard all Winter;

'It's Cold'

You're body will be turning Cold soon.

Working

Minding my own business at work and some smart alec says to me;

'Are you working hard, or hardly working?'

You'll be hardly living when I'm through.

People

Someone goes on Holiday. You ask them what it was like.
They say;

'It was lovely, the people were really friendly'

From Bali to Borneo, from Fiji to France, the people are really friendly. Why is it such a surprise to you that people are friendly towards you? It's because anyone that knows you realises that you are a Cunt.

In Laws

When you get married you obviously gain a Family of In Laws. Or as a bloke I used to work with would say;

'I'm going out tonight. Taking the Wife for a meal with the Outlaws.'

Call them that to their faces then. Believe me that they were much more disappointed by you than you were by them.

Marriage

How long have you been Married? I ask

'15 Years. You get less for Murder!!'

Really? Well, I'm about to find out.

Nearly

How are you? I asked someone on a Thursday morning and they replied;

'Not too bad, you know, it's nearly Friday'

It's always nearly Friday isn't it really. I mean in the scale of things except for when it is actually Friday, the one day when you are truly happy, it is pretty much only 6 days or less until it's Friday. Perhaps we should call every day Friday. Or shoot you.

Holiday

Upon returning from Holiday you might get asked the following question;

'Where did you go? Anywhere nice?'

No. This year we thought we'd do something different and went somewhere really shit.

Time

Walking along minding my own business and someone asks;

'Do you have the right time?'

No. I have the wrong fucking time, would that be any good?

Job

Trying to get ahead in your job? Someone might give you this advise;

'It's not what you know, but who you know....'

Tell it to Stephen Hawking.

Disaster

Natural disaster? There's always someone who will say something along the lines of;

'Oh, it's terrible isn't it. All those poor people. I had friends who were there only six Months ago. Someone who works with my Brother's ex Girlfriend. Yes they were around there somewhere I think. Oh it's just awful isn't it.'

Guess what? You're going to find out exactly what it's like because I'm shipping you out there now.

Lottery

£8 million lottery rollover? Someone is bound to say;

'It's just too much money though isn't it?'

Stay a pauper then you fool

Stairs

Everytime I walk up the stairs in my office with a visitor they say;

'I bet this keeps you fit'

Back down you go.

Alright

Alright? you ask someone, and how do they respond?

'No. I'm half left'

It's time you left, mate

Tomorrow

Going through a bad time? Someone might proffer the wisdom;

'Don't worry, tomorrow's the first day of the rest of your life'

And this is the last day of yours buddy

World

When it turns out that you know someone that the person you are talking to knows, they might say

'It's a small World'

Well no, it's actually really very big. And you know what? I could make it seem just a little bit bigger by removing you from it.

Pound

'If I had a Pound for every time you said that I'd be a Millionaire'

Are you sure about that? Cock.

Hours

'There aren't enough hours in the day'

To do what exactly? How many hours do you need to be a Bell end?

Monday

How are You?

'Oh, you know, it's Monday'

Oh Yes, Thank you. That explains everything.
If you are so depressed every Monday why don't you give us all a break and kill yourself?