Late

I was late for work one day. It happens. I walked in and said 'morning' to a colleague and they replied;

'Afternoon'

By the time I had got to my desk quite a few people had come out with the same witless shit.

Finally my Boss said;

'Good afternoon.'

His mysterious disappearance, although upsetting for his Family, has left his colleagues opportunities for advancement.

Time

My Wife said;

'Gosh it's six O' Clock. I only looked at the Clock five minutes ago and it was half past Four.'

Where do you think we are love, the fucking Tardis?

Dangerous

Criticising me in a what they believed to be a humorous way, someone said to me;

'If you had a Brain, you'd be dangerous!'

You are about to find out that I am.

Day

Ever heard anyone say this?

'I keep thinking it's Thursday today'

Well, I keep thinking it's your last day today. Bet I'm the one that's right.

Clocks

Clocks gone forward (or maybe Back) and you hear people say;

'Oh, I'm all over the place now and it will take me all year to get back to normal'

Well, I can only suggest Suicide really

It

Can you spell it? I asked of a word

'I.T.' came the answer

A beautiful life ended

Stage

I was being my usual charming and amusing self and this bloke says;

'You should be on the Stage. Yeah, cleaning it!!'

Everybody said it was a lovely funeral.

Feel

'I feel like a beer', I said.

The reply?

'Well you don't look like one'

Well, you don't look like a murder victim, but there you go.

Instructions

Making some flat pack furniture or perhaps loading up a game on your PC, maybe even stringing a kite. In need of guidance someone says;

'Pass the destructions'

Destruction is bound to ensue

Hand

I asked someone to give me a hand and they Clapped

I shot them

Better

'How are you?' I ask,

'I could be better.'

At what?

Cold

All I have heard all Winter;

'It's Cold'

You're body will be turning Cold soon.

Working

Minding my own business at work and some smart alec says to me;

'Are you working hard, or hardly working?'

You'll be hardly living when I'm through.

People

Someone goes on Holiday. You ask them what it was like.
They say;

'It was lovely, the people were really friendly'

From Bali to Borneo, from Fiji to France, the people are really friendly. Why is it such a surprise to you that people are friendly towards you? It's because anyone that knows you realises that you are a Cunt.

In Laws

When you get married you obviously gain a Family of In Laws. Or as a bloke I used to work with would say;

'I'm going out tonight. Taking the Wife for a meal with the Outlaws.'

Call them that to their faces then. Believe me that they were much more disappointed by you than you were by them.

Marriage

How long have you been Married? I ask

'15 Years. You get less for Murder!!'

Really? Well, I'm about to find out.

Nearly

How are you? I asked someone on a Thursday morning and they replied;

'Not too bad, you know, it's nearly Friday'

It's always nearly Friday isn't it really. I mean in the scale of things except for when it is actually Friday, the one day when you are truly happy, it is pretty much only 6 days or less until it's Friday. Perhaps we should call every day Friday. Or shoot you.

Holiday

Upon returning from Holiday you might get asked the following question;

'Where did you go? Anywhere nice?'

No. This year we thought we'd do something different and went somewhere really shit.

Time

Walking along minding my own business and someone asks;

'Do you have the right time?'

No. I have the wrong fucking time, would that be any good?

Job

Trying to get ahead in your job? Someone might give you this advise;

'It's not what you know, but who you know....'

Tell it to Stephen Hawking.