Watch

Can I watch the TV dad?

'Yes, but don't turn it on.'

An orphan so young.

Biscuits

I put a large plate of biscuits out for a meeting at work and this guy says;

'What are you going to eat?'

Your wife's pussy.

Woods

Fancy a pint?

'Do Bears shit in the woods?'

Well You can find out when I've buried you in them.

Dollar

How's work going?

'Another day, another Dollar'

You really don't deserve to earn that much.

Same

How's work going?

'Same shit, different day'

Same you as well unfortunately.

Mud

I showed someone some instructions and they said;

'They're as clear as Mud'

Best you become familiar then, as you're going to be under 6 feet of the stuff.

Desk

I was having a fag outside the office and a colleague said to me;

'You might as well move your desk out here!'

Well you might as well move yours to the cemetary, because that's where you're destined.

Book

New Film out? Inevitably You will hear this;

'It's not as good as the Book though.'

Wouldn't know mate, I can't read.

postscript; I am planning to do a count of the number of times that I hear this comment about the Da Vinci Code and will post the results after a month or so.

Miserable

It's raining and someone says;

'Miserable out there isn't it'

Not as miserable as being in here with you.

Lotto

Standing behind someone in a queue and they say to the underpaid fool at the counter;

'Can I have the winning Lottery ticket please.'

They laugh politely and say that they will do their best. Why didn't they just say that it was the millionth time that they had heard that pathetic excuse for a joke and that they really needed something better than that, for example drink and drugs, to improve their day and actually, no, they couldn't have the winning lottery ticket, or any ticket in fact and that they could just Fuck right off. I just can't work it out.

Similar

I told someone what I thought of them and I believe they assumed me to portray similar characteristics when they said;

'Pot, Kettle, Black!'

Ready, Aim, Fire!

Grumble

How are you?

'Mustn't grumble?'

Why not? There's not much that's good about you.

String

Asking how long something will take, you might hear the non-answer;

'How long's a piece of string?'

Hopefully long enough to make a noose.

Worry

When things aren't exactly going to plan someone might proffer the wisdom;

'Not to worry, not long 'til Christmas.'

Don't reckon you're going to make it mate.

To do

How are you?

'Oh You know, too much to do and not enough time'

Fine, I'll get off the fucking phone then.

Rip off

I was showing someone my new watch. They asked how much and I said £140.00, which I thought was reasonable. Evidently unimpressed, I received the following shot across the bows;

'Well they saw you coming, didn't they!'

Didn't see the Bus coming though did he and it wasn't even going that fast. Almost as though someone had pushed him out in front of it, however I was the only one around and I can tell you he slipped on a patch of ice.

Late

I was late for work one day. It happens. I walked in and said 'morning' to a colleague and they replied;

'Afternoon'

By the time I had got to my desk quite a few people had come out with the same witless shit.

Finally my Boss said;

'Good afternoon.'

His mysterious disappearance, although upsetting for his Family, has left his colleagues opportunities for advancement.

Time

My Wife said;

'Gosh it's six O' Clock. I only looked at the Clock five minutes ago and it was half past Four.'

Where do you think we are love, the fucking Tardis?

Dangerous

Criticising me in a what they believed to be a humorous way, someone said to me;

'If you had a Brain, you'd be dangerous!'

You are about to find out that I am.

Day

Ever heard anyone say this?

'I keep thinking it's Thursday today'

Well, I keep thinking it's your last day today. Bet I'm the one that's right.