Sweet

I offered a visitor a Coffee. Asking if they wanted Sugar, they replied;

'No thanks, I'm sweet enough'

Should make my grass grow well when your six feet under my lawn then.

Double

Two friends were talking, one said 'gosh it's hot today'

The other replied 'you can say that again'

The first one then repeated 'gosh it's hot today'

Double Homicide!

Party

I said that I thought someone had had a good idea and they said (pointing to head then groin);

'Up here for thinking and down here partying'

I cut them off and swapped them over. Bet that confused him.

Nose

Stating something was obvious, someone said;

'It's as plain as the nose on your face'

Not now I've sliced it off with a blunt razor.

Hatrack

I praised an employee for being clever and he said (pointing to his head);

'This isn't just a Hatrack you know'

I know. It also makes a great football.

Wash

I was explaining a problem I had and a friend said;

'It will all come out in the wash'

Blood doesn't and I'm covered in it after chopping him up into bite size chunks.

Off

Telling someone I was leaving I said 'I'm off' and they replied;

'I thought I could smell something!'

Do it without a face you fucking imbecile.

Win

Talking about something that someone likes to pretend, for some odd reason, they can not afford, they say;

'When I win the Lottery!'

The chances of that are 147,000,000 to one. The chances on you dying are evens.

Camp

I do not have a problem expressing my anger and actually I find it rather therapeutic. Imagine my chagrin then, when a work colleague said;

'You're not a happy camper today'

I couldn't help chuckling at the irony of how a body bag did look a bit like a sleeping bag.

End

I had had some bad news and a friend said;

'It's not the end of the World'

It is for you

Wood

Being optimistic but also fearing fate a friend said;

'Touch Wood'

I touched them with a baseball bat. That's touching wood for you mate.

Cap

I accused someone of being stupid and they said;

'If the Cap fits, wear it'

Size 9 concrete boots for you then.

Half

I greeted someone, 'all right?' and they chose to respond;

'No mate, I'm half left'

Left for dead, that's how I fucking left him.

Fire

I said that I doubted someone's theory and they said;

'Well, there's no smoke without fire'

I certainly proved that there is smoke with fire, by setting his hair alight.

Roll

A colleague was feeling tired of life and exclaimed;

'Roll on Christmas'

Why? Are you leaving then?

6

Having been surprised, my friend said;

'It really knocked me for six'

So did I. With a cricket bat.

Africa

Remember your Mum saying this when you hadn't finished your tea?

'There are starving children in Africa who would love to have that in front of them.'

With all due respect Mother, I don't think anyone would want to have this in front of them.

Waste

Remember your Mum saying this when you hadn't finished your tea?

'Waste not, want not'

Bollocks! I still want new parents.

Million

Remember your Mum saying this?

'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times........ '

Fuck off Mum.

Feather

I said something someone was surprised at and they said;

'Well knock me down with a Feather'

I'd rather use this brick if it's ok with you.