Feathers

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I had;

'Ruffled some feathers'

I fed him to the Pigeons

Cat

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I'd;

'Put the Cat amongst the pigeons'

I fed him to the Lions

Fence

I told someone, who appeared to take something I said the wrong way, 'please don't take offence' and they replied;

'I'll take a gate then'

I upset them again by killing their entire family. That'll teach them.

Shot

Having made a bit of a mistake a colleague said;

'You've shot yourself in the foot'

I shot him in the face.

Blind

I was explaining a product to a customer when they said;

'You're trying to blind me with science'

So I blinded them with a rusty spoon instead.

Resemblance

Telling someone I thought they were being a bit stupid, they replied;

'I resemble that remark'

So I called them a corpse

Door

I asked how a friend's job was going and they replied;

'It keeps the Wolves from the door'

Why would any self respecting Wolf visit your door?

Fit

I asked someone how they were and they replied;

'I'm fit as a fiddle'

Kiddy fiddler you say? I'll have to kill you then I'm afraid.

Rain

I asked someone how they were and they replied;

'I am as right as rain'

I'll rain down on you, that's for sure

Port

In reply to my accusing a friend of being a little promiscuous, they said;

'Any port in a storm'

Any weapon in an attack.

Sight

Going over a mistake and seeing the errors made, a colleague said;

'Any fool in hindsight'

Fucker's blind now.

Living

How are you?

'I'm still in the land of the living'

Not for long!

Chocolate

Suggesting someone was not up to par, a colleague stated;

'He's about as much use as a Chocolate Teapot'

He was right. A chocolate Teapot is no use at all. He got terribly scolded. Perhaps I shouldn't have held it over his head.

Bag

Claiming someone was weak, a colleague stated that;

'He couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag'

Neither can my colleague. But then he was tied up. And the bag was plastic. And it was over his head.

Grave

A relative shivered and said;

'Someone just walked over my grave'

Little did she know that that was going to come true sooner than she realised.

Français

Rationalising some bad news, a friend said;

'C'est la vie'

C'est votre enterrement

Year

Remarking on the date, a colleague said to me;

'I just don't know where the Year's gone'

Well, up your arse along with the rest of your life I suspect.

Dull

Someone was busy and said;

'Never a dull moment'

Last moment for you

Bridge

A feud had ended and when asked about it, someone said;

'It's all water under the bridge now'

It's all bodies under my lawn now.

Bury

Wanting to end a feud, a friend said;

'Let's bury the hatchet'

So I did. In his skull.