String

I was seeking an answert to a question at work when a colleague said;

'How long is a piece of string?'

Long enough to Fucking hang you with

Pun

A colleague made a play on words and then said;

'Excuse the Pun!'

Oh yeah, dead funny......

Weather

Returning from Holiday, a friend said;

'You were lucky with the Weather'

I was lucky to be away from you.

Scary

Assessing a work related task, my boss described it as;

'Scary Stuff'

Wanna' see something really scary?

Wash

Tackling a work related problem with flippancy, a colleague said;

'It will all come out on the wash'

Not the amount of blood I'm about to spill mate.

Rid

On my third day in a new job, the Boss said to me;

'We just can't get rid of you can we!'

No, but I can get rid of you.

Feathers

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I had;

'Ruffled some feathers'

I fed him to the Pigeons

Cat

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I'd;

'Put the Cat amongst the pigeons'

I fed him to the Lions

Fence

I told someone, who appeared to take something I said the wrong way, 'please don't take offence' and they replied;

'I'll take a gate then'

I upset them again by killing their entire family. That'll teach them.

Shot

Having made a bit of a mistake a colleague said;

'You've shot yourself in the foot'

I shot him in the face.

Blind

I was explaining a product to a customer when they said;

'You're trying to blind me with science'

So I blinded them with a rusty spoon instead.

Resemblance

Telling someone I thought they were being a bit stupid, they replied;

'I resemble that remark'

So I called them a corpse

Door

I asked how a friend's job was going and they replied;

'It keeps the Wolves from the door'

Why would any self respecting Wolf visit your door?

Fit

I asked someone how they were and they replied;

'I'm fit as a fiddle'

Kiddy fiddler you say? I'll have to kill you then I'm afraid.

Rain

I asked someone how they were and they replied;

'I am as right as rain'

I'll rain down on you, that's for sure

Port

In reply to my accusing a friend of being a little promiscuous, they said;

'Any port in a storm'

Any weapon in an attack.

Sight

Going over a mistake and seeing the errors made, a colleague said;

'Any fool in hindsight'

Fucker's blind now.

Living

How are you?

'I'm still in the land of the living'

Not for long!

Chocolate

Suggesting someone was not up to par, a colleague stated;

'He's about as much use as a Chocolate Teapot'

He was right. A chocolate Teapot is no use at all. He got terribly scolded. Perhaps I shouldn't have held it over his head.

Bag

Claiming someone was weak, a colleague stated that;

'He couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag'

Neither can my colleague. But then he was tied up. And the bag was plastic. And it was over his head.