Face

I congratulated a colleague on a job well done and they replied;

'I'm not just a pretty face you know'

No. You're a pretty fucking ugly face you know.

Chips

Exclaiming how inexpensive something was, someone said to me;

'They are as cheap as chips'

Like you're wife.

Eggs

Stating that some thing is a definite someone might say;

'As sure as eggs is eggs'

As sure as eggs is eggs, you're a gonner

Trying

A friend of mine asked what I was doing. I said 'I'm trying to fix this light', to which she replied;

'Trying? Yes, you're very trying'

I tried her. Found her guilty. She got hung.

Young

I said I was old at 39 years and someone said;

'You're as old as the Woman you feel'

Great, that's just taken off 25 years

Old

I said that I was old at 39 years and someone said;

'You're as old as you feel'

Great, that's just added 25 years

Science

Trying to demonstrate that something was simple, my Boss said;

'It's not Rocket Science'

I know, I have a degree in Rocket Science. You clearly only have a degree in Banality.

Fish

I made a comment and someone replied;

'What's that got to do with the price of fish?'

Prick

5

I think I must hear this everyday. Ask someone at work if they're ok and they say;

'I will be when it's 5 o'clock'

Why? Do you become less of a nauseating twat at 5?

Hips

A woman was eating a cake and her female friend said;

'A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!'

Well it will be longer on your lips then.

Watch

Can I watch the TV dad?

'Yes, but don't turn it on.'

An orphan so young.

Biscuits

I put a large plate of biscuits out for a meeting at work and this guy says;

'What are you going to eat?'

Your wife's pussy.

Woods

Fancy a pint?

'Do Bears shit in the woods?'

Well You can find out when I've buried you in them.

Dollar

How's work going?

'Another day, another Dollar'

You really don't deserve to earn that much.

Same

How's work going?

'Same shit, different day'

Same you as well unfortunately.

Mud

I showed someone some instructions and they said;

'They're as clear as Mud'

Best you become familiar then, as you're going to be under 6 feet of the stuff.

Desk

I was having a fag outside the office and a colleague said to me;

'You might as well move your desk out here!'

Well you might as well move yours to the cemetary, because that's where you're destined.

Book

New Film out? Inevitably You will hear this;

'It's not as good as the Book though.'

Wouldn't know mate, I can't read.

postscript; I am planning to do a count of the number of times that I hear this comment about the Da Vinci Code and will post the results after a month or so.

Miserable

It's raining and someone says;

'Miserable out there isn't it'

Not as miserable as being in here with you.

Lotto

Standing behind someone in a queue and they say to the underpaid fool at the counter;

'Can I have the winning Lottery ticket please.'

They laugh politely and say that they will do their best. Why didn't they just say that it was the millionth time that they had heard that pathetic excuse for a joke and that they really needed something better than that, for example drink and drugs, to improve their day and actually, no, they couldn't have the winning lottery ticket, or any ticket in fact and that they could just Fuck right off. I just can't work it out.

Similar

I told someone what I thought of them and I believe they assumed me to portray similar characteristics when they said;

'Pot, Kettle, Black!'

Ready, Aim, Fire!

Grumble

How are you?

'Mustn't grumble?'

Why not? There's not much that's good about you.

String

Asking how long something will take, you might hear the non-answer;

'How long's a piece of string?'

Hopefully long enough to make a noose.

Worry

When things aren't exactly going to plan someone might proffer the wisdom;

'Not to worry, not long 'til Christmas.'

Don't reckon you're going to make it mate.

To do

How are you?

'Oh You know, too much to do and not enough time'

Fine, I'll get off the fucking phone then.

Rip off

I was showing someone my new watch. They asked how much and I said £140.00, which I thought was reasonable. Evidently unimpressed, I received the following shot across the bows;

'Well they saw you coming, didn't they!'

Didn't see the Bus coming though did he and it wasn't even going that fast. Almost as though someone had pushed him out in front of it, however I was the only one around and I can tell you he slipped on a patch of ice.

Late

I was late for work one day. It happens. I walked in and said 'morning' to a colleague and they replied;

'Afternoon'

By the time I had got to my desk quite a few people had come out with the same witless shit.

Finally my Boss said;

'Good afternoon.'

His mysterious disappearance, although upsetting for his Family, has left his colleagues opportunities for advancement.

Time

My Wife said;

'Gosh it's six O' Clock. I only looked at the Clock five minutes ago and it was half past Four.'

Where do you think we are love, the fucking Tardis?

Dangerous

Criticising me in a what they believed to be a humorous way, someone said to me;

'If you had a Brain, you'd be dangerous!'

You are about to find out that I am.

Day

Ever heard anyone say this?

'I keep thinking it's Thursday today'

Well, I keep thinking it's your last day today. Bet I'm the one that's right.

Clocks

Clocks gone forward (or maybe Back) and you hear people say;

'Oh, I'm all over the place now and it will take me all year to get back to normal'

Well, I can only suggest Suicide really

It

Can you spell it? I asked of a word

'I.T.' came the answer

A beautiful life ended

Stage

I was being my usual charming and amusing self and this bloke says;

'You should be on the Stage. Yeah, cleaning it!!'

Everybody said it was a lovely funeral.

Feel

'I feel like a beer', I said.

The reply?

'Well you don't look like one'

Well, you don't look like a murder victim, but there you go.

Instructions

Making some flat pack furniture or perhaps loading up a game on your PC, maybe even stringing a kite. In need of guidance someone says;

'Pass the destructions'

Destruction is bound to ensue

Hand

I asked someone to give me a hand and they Clapped

I shot them

Better

'How are you?' I ask,

'I could be better.'

At what?

Cold

All I have heard all Winter;

'It's Cold'

You're body will be turning Cold soon.