Going

I asked how someone was and they replied;

'I don't know if I'm coming or going'

You're going

Bed

I made a mistake and someone said;

'You've made your bed, you had better lie in it'

Well, you just dug your grave

Bills

I asked how a friend's job was and they said;

'It pays the bills'

Let's hope it covers your funeral then.

M25

I said that I had had some difficulty driving on the London ring road and someone said;

'M25? Biggest Car park in Britain'

Under Tarmac for you.

Wolves

How's your job?

'Oh, you know, it keeps the Wolves from the door'

But Granny, how six feet under you are.

Traffic

I asked someone how their journey was and they replied;

'Traffic was Murder'

Good, you're used to it then

Survivor

How are you?

'I'm surviving'

Not any more

Shovel

A mate had bought a new car and he said;

'It goes like shit off a shovel'

I wonder how he tested the speed of shit off a shovel?

Goes

Appraising a female a friend said;

'I bet she goes!'

Goes where?

Born

An old timer said to me;

'Kids today don't know they're born'

Well I expect they do really, don't they twat!

Paint

Suggesting something was boring, a friend said;

'That's like watching Paint dry'

How the Fuck would anybody know what watching Paint dry is like?!

Dishwater

Feeling something was boring, someone stated;

'That's as dull as dishwater'

Nothing dull about drowning you in a bowl of it though

Sensible

Suggesting someone was sensible, a colleague said;

'He's got his head screwed on'

You would have thought that that was not entirely sensible really, as a neck appears to be the best option

Head

Having been absent minded, someone said;

'I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on'

I removed it, but just couldn't see how to screw it back on

Special

I proposed that I should be the one to do something, that I assume someone else thought I should not when they said;

'What makes you so special then?'

I'm a serial killer

Gate

Asking someone where they were going on Holiday, they said;

'Our Gate'

Gates of Hell for you mate

(I believe this is a play on Margate by the way)

Good

Greeting a colleague, I said 'Good Morning' and he replied

'what's good about it?'

Not much for you, as it's your last

Sweet

I offered a visitor a Coffee. Asking if they wanted Sugar, they replied;

'No thanks, I'm sweet enough'

Should make my grass grow well when your six feet under my lawn then.

Double

Two friends were talking, one said 'gosh it's hot today'

The other replied 'you can say that again'

The first one then repeated 'gosh it's hot today'

Double Homicide!

Party

I said that I thought someone had had a good idea and they said (pointing to head then groin);

'Up here for thinking and down here partying'

I cut them off and swapped them over. Bet that confused him.

Nose

Stating something was obvious, someone said;

'It's as plain as the nose on your face'

Not now I've sliced it off with a blunt razor.

Hatrack

I praised an employee for being clever and he said (pointing to his head);

'This isn't just a Hatrack you know'

I know. It also makes a great football.

Wash

I was explaining a problem I had and a friend said;

'It will all come out in the wash'

Blood doesn't and I'm covered in it after chopping him up into bite size chunks.

Off

Telling someone I was leaving I said 'I'm off' and they replied;

'I thought I could smell something!'

Do it without a face you fucking imbecile.

Win

Talking about something that someone likes to pretend, for some odd reason, they can not afford, they say;

'When I win the Lottery!'

The chances of that are 147,000,000 to one. The chances on you dying are evens.

Camp

I do not have a problem expressing my anger and actually I find it rather therapeutic. Imagine my chagrin then, when a work colleague said;

'You're not a happy camper today'

I couldn't help chuckling at the irony of how a body bag did look a bit like a sleeping bag.

End

I had had some bad news and a friend said;

'It's not the end of the World'

It is for you

Wood

Being optimistic but also fearing fate a friend said;

'Touch Wood'

I touched them with a baseball bat. That's touching wood for you mate.

Cap

I accused someone of being stupid and they said;

'If the Cap fits, wear it'

Size 9 concrete boots for you then.

Half

I greeted someone, 'all right?' and they chose to respond;

'No mate, I'm half left'

Left for dead, that's how I fucking left him.

Fire

I said that I doubted someone's theory and they said;

'Well, there's no smoke without fire'

I certainly proved that there is smoke with fire, by setting his hair alight.

Roll

A colleague was feeling tired of life and exclaimed;

'Roll on Christmas'

Why? Are you leaving then?

6

Having been surprised, my friend said;

'It really knocked me for six'

So did I. With a cricket bat.

Africa

Remember your Mum saying this when you hadn't finished your tea?

'There are starving children in Africa who would love to have that in front of them.'

With all due respect Mother, I don't think anyone would want to have this in front of them.

Waste

Remember your Mum saying this when you hadn't finished your tea?

'Waste not, want not'

Bollocks! I still want new parents.

Million

Remember your Mum saying this?

'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times........ '

Fuck off Mum.

Feather

I said something someone was surprised at and they said;

'Well knock me down with a Feather'

I'd rather use this brick if it's ok with you.

Complain

How are you?

'Can't complain'

Why not? The world's shit while you're in it.

ill

Someone I knew was ill, so I asked them how they were;

'I'll live'

I doubt that.

Medicine

I offered someone an alcoholic drink and they accepted with the phrase;

'Oh go on then, just for medicinal purposes'

Yeah, you need medicine you sick fuck.

Horse

I was making someone some food and they said;

'I'm so hungry I could eat a Horse'

Eat Lead you prick.

n.b. I also understand that 'scabby cat' is a favourite of Banals.

Broken

I suggested that we make some changes at work and someone said;

'If it isn't broken, don't fix it'

Fix this broken leg you fucker.

Dull

To express how busy he was at work, a colleague said to me;

'Never a dull day!'

Never another day for you mate.

Rehearsal

I said that I didn't want to join in with something and someone said;

'Life's not a rehearsal'

Curtains closed for you, you prick.

Face

I congratulated a colleague on a job well done and they replied;

'I'm not just a pretty face you know'

No. You're a pretty fucking ugly face you know.

Chips

Exclaiming how inexpensive something was, someone said to me;

'They are as cheap as chips'

Like you're wife.

Eggs

Stating that some thing is a definite someone might say;

'As sure as eggs is eggs'

As sure as eggs is eggs, you're a gonner

Trying

A friend of mine asked what I was doing. I said 'I'm trying to fix this light', to which she replied;

'Trying? Yes, you're very trying'

I tried her. Found her guilty. She got hung.

Young

I said I was old at 39 years and someone said;

'You're as old as the Woman you feel'

Great, that's just taken off 25 years

Old

I said that I was old at 39 years and someone said;

'You're as old as you feel'

Great, that's just added 25 years

Science

Trying to demonstrate that something was simple, my Boss said;

'It's not Rocket Science'

I know, I have a degree in Rocket Science. You clearly only have a degree in Banality.

Fish

I made a comment and someone replied;

'What's that got to do with the price of fish?'

Prick

5

I think I must hear this everyday. Ask someone at work if they're ok and they say;

'I will be when it's 5 o'clock'

Why? Do you become less of a nauseating twat at 5?

Hips

A woman was eating a cake and her female friend said;

'A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!'

Well it will be longer on your lips then.

Watch

Can I watch the TV dad?

'Yes, but don't turn it on.'

An orphan so young.

Biscuits

I put a large plate of biscuits out for a meeting at work and this guy says;

'What are you going to eat?'

Your wife's pussy.

Woods

Fancy a pint?

'Do Bears shit in the woods?'

Well You can find out when I've buried you in them.

Dollar

How's work going?

'Another day, another Dollar'

You really don't deserve to earn that much.

Same

How's work going?

'Same shit, different day'

Same you as well unfortunately.

Mud

I showed someone some instructions and they said;

'They're as clear as Mud'

Best you become familiar then, as you're going to be under 6 feet of the stuff.

Desk

I was having a fag outside the office and a colleague said to me;

'You might as well move your desk out here!'

Well you might as well move yours to the cemetary, because that's where you're destined.

Book

New Film out? Inevitably You will hear this;

'It's not as good as the Book though.'

Wouldn't know mate, I can't read.

postscript; I am planning to do a count of the number of times that I hear this comment about the Da Vinci Code and will post the results after a month or so.

Miserable

It's raining and someone says;

'Miserable out there isn't it'

Not as miserable as being in here with you.

Lotto

Standing behind someone in a queue and they say to the underpaid fool at the counter;

'Can I have the winning Lottery ticket please.'

They laugh politely and say that they will do their best. Why didn't they just say that it was the millionth time that they had heard that pathetic excuse for a joke and that they really needed something better than that, for example drink and drugs, to improve their day and actually, no, they couldn't have the winning lottery ticket, or any ticket in fact and that they could just Fuck right off. I just can't work it out.

Similar

I told someone what I thought of them and I believe they assumed me to portray similar characteristics when they said;

'Pot, Kettle, Black!'

Ready, Aim, Fire!

Grumble

How are you?

'Mustn't grumble?'

Why not? There's not much that's good about you.

String

Asking how long something will take, you might hear the non-answer;

'How long's a piece of string?'

Hopefully long enough to make a noose.

Worry

When things aren't exactly going to plan someone might proffer the wisdom;

'Not to worry, not long 'til Christmas.'

Don't reckon you're going to make it mate.

To do

How are you?

'Oh You know, too much to do and not enough time'

Fine, I'll get off the fucking phone then.

Rip off

I was showing someone my new watch. They asked how much and I said £140.00, which I thought was reasonable. Evidently unimpressed, I received the following shot across the bows;

'Well they saw you coming, didn't they!'

Didn't see the Bus coming though did he and it wasn't even going that fast. Almost as though someone had pushed him out in front of it, however I was the only one around and I can tell you he slipped on a patch of ice.

Late

I was late for work one day. It happens. I walked in and said 'morning' to a colleague and they replied;

'Afternoon'

By the time I had got to my desk quite a few people had come out with the same witless shit.

Finally my Boss said;

'Good afternoon.'

His mysterious disappearance, although upsetting for his Family, has left his colleagues opportunities for advancement.

Time

My Wife said;

'Gosh it's six O' Clock. I only looked at the Clock five minutes ago and it was half past Four.'

Where do you think we are love, the fucking Tardis?

Dangerous

Criticising me in a what they believed to be a humorous way, someone said to me;

'If you had a Brain, you'd be dangerous!'

You are about to find out that I am.

Day

Ever heard anyone say this?

'I keep thinking it's Thursday today'

Well, I keep thinking it's your last day today. Bet I'm the one that's right.

Clocks

Clocks gone forward (or maybe Back) and you hear people say;

'Oh, I'm all over the place now and it will take me all year to get back to normal'

Well, I can only suggest Suicide really

It

Can you spell it? I asked of a word

'I.T.' came the answer

A beautiful life ended

Stage

I was being my usual charming and amusing self and this bloke says;

'You should be on the Stage. Yeah, cleaning it!!'

Everybody said it was a lovely funeral.

Feel

'I feel like a beer', I said.

The reply?

'Well you don't look like one'

Well, you don't look like a murder victim, but there you go.

Instructions

Making some flat pack furniture or perhaps loading up a game on your PC, maybe even stringing a kite. In need of guidance someone says;

'Pass the destructions'

Destruction is bound to ensue

Hand

I asked someone to give me a hand and they Clapped

I shot them

Better

'How are you?' I ask,

'I could be better.'

At what?

Cold

All I have heard all Winter;

'It's Cold'

You're body will be turning Cold soon.

Working

Minding my own business at work and some smart alec says to me;

'Are you working hard, or hardly working?'

You'll be hardly living when I'm through.

People

Someone goes on Holiday. You ask them what it was like.
They say;

'It was lovely, the people were really friendly'

From Bali to Borneo, from Fiji to France, the people are really friendly. Why is it such a surprise to you that people are friendly towards you? It's because anyone that knows you realises that you are a Cunt.

In Laws

When you get married you obviously gain a Family of In Laws. Or as a bloke I used to work with would say;

'I'm going out tonight. Taking the Wife for a meal with the Outlaws.'

Call them that to their faces then. Believe me that they were much more disappointed by you than you were by them.

Marriage

How long have you been Married? I ask

'15 Years. You get less for Murder!!'

Really? Well, I'm about to find out.

Nearly

How are you? I asked someone on a Thursday morning and they replied;

'Not too bad, you know, it's nearly Friday'

It's always nearly Friday isn't it really. I mean in the scale of things except for when it is actually Friday, the one day when you are truly happy, it is pretty much only 6 days or less until it's Friday. Perhaps we should call every day Friday. Or shoot you.

Holiday

Upon returning from Holiday you might get asked the following question;

'Where did you go? Anywhere nice?'

No. This year we thought we'd do something different and went somewhere really shit.

Time

Walking along minding my own business and someone asks;

'Do you have the right time?'

No. I have the wrong fucking time, would that be any good?

Job

Trying to get ahead in your job? Someone might give you this advise;

'It's not what you know, but who you know....'

Tell it to Stephen Hawking.

Disaster

Natural disaster? There's always someone who will say something along the lines of;

'Oh, it's terrible isn't it. All those poor people. I had friends who were there only six Months ago. Someone who works with my Brother's ex Girlfriend. Yes they were around there somewhere I think. Oh it's just awful isn't it.'

Guess what? You're going to find out exactly what it's like because I'm shipping you out there now.

Lottery

£8 million lottery rollover? Someone is bound to say;

'It's just too much money though isn't it?'

Stay a pauper then you fool

Stairs

Everytime I walk up the stairs in my office with a visitor they say;

'I bet this keeps you fit'

Back down you go.

Alright

Alright? you ask someone, and how do they respond?

'No. I'm half left'

It's time you left, mate

Tomorrow

Going through a bad time? Someone might proffer the wisdom;

'Don't worry, tomorrow's the first day of the rest of your life'

And this is the last day of yours buddy

World

When it turns out that you know someone that the person you are talking to knows, they might say

'It's a small World'

Well no, it's actually really very big. And you know what? I could make it seem just a little bit bigger by removing you from it.

Pound

'If I had a Pound for every time you said that I'd be a Millionaire'

Are you sure about that? Cock.

Hours

'There aren't enough hours in the day'

To do what exactly? How many hours do you need to be a Bell end?

Monday

How are You?

'Oh, you know, it's Monday'

Oh Yes, Thank you. That explains everything.
If you are so depressed every Monday why don't you give us all a break and kill yourself?

Friday

How are You today?

'Ok........It's friday!'

Well that doesn't tell me anything. It's Friday for me as well but that doesn't make the fact that you are a Twat any easier to cope with.
Is it being Friday some sort of cure all? To me it's just two days before you tell me the weekend went too quickly.