Weather

Returning from Holiday, a friend said;

'You were lucky with the Weather'

I was lucky to be away from you.

Scary

Assessing a work related task, my boss described it as;

'Scary Stuff'

Wanna' see something really scary?

Wash

Tackling a work related problem with flippancy, a colleague said;

'It will all come out on the wash'

Not the amount of blood I'm about to spill mate.

Rid

On my third day in a new job, the Boss said to me;

'We just can't get rid of you can we!'

No, but I can get rid of you.

Feathers

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I had;

'Ruffled some feathers'

I fed him to the Pigeons

Cat

Having caused some unrest at work a colleague told me that I'd;

'Put the Cat amongst the pigeons'

I fed him to the Lions

Fence

I told someone, who appeared to take something I said the wrong way, 'please don't take offence' and they replied;

'I'll take a gate then'

I upset them again by killing their entire family. That'll teach them.

Shot

Having made a bit of a mistake a colleague said;

'You've shot yourself in the foot'

I shot him in the face.

Blind

I was explaining a product to a customer when they said;

'You're trying to blind me with science'

So I blinded them with a rusty spoon instead.

Resemblance

Telling someone I thought they were being a bit stupid, they replied;

'I resemble that remark'

So I called them a corpse

Door

I asked how a friend's job was going and they replied;

'It keeps the Wolves from the door'

Why would any self respecting Wolf visit your door?

Fit

I asked someone how they were and they replied;

'I'm fit as a fiddle'

Kiddy fiddler you say? I'll have to kill you then I'm afraid.

Rain

I asked someone how they were and they replied;

'I am as right as rain'

I'll rain down on you, that's for sure

Port

In reply to my accusing a friend of being a little promiscuous, they said;

'Any port in a storm'

Any weapon in an attack.

Sight

Going over a mistake and seeing the errors made, a colleague said;

'Any fool in hindsight'

Fucker's blind now.

Living

How are you?

'I'm still in the land of the living'

Not for long!

Chocolate

Suggesting someone was not up to par, a colleague stated;

'He's about as much use as a Chocolate Teapot'

He was right. A chocolate Teapot is no use at all. He got terribly scolded. Perhaps I shouldn't have held it over his head.

Bag

Claiming someone was weak, a colleague stated that;

'He couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag'

Neither can my colleague. But then he was tied up. And the bag was plastic. And it was over his head.

Grave

A relative shivered and said;

'Someone just walked over my grave'

Little did she know that that was going to come true sooner than she realised.

Français

Rationalising some bad news, a friend said;

'C'est la vie'

C'est votre enterrement

Year

Remarking on the date, a colleague said to me;

'I just don't know where the Year's gone'

Well, up your arse along with the rest of your life I suspect.

Dull

Someone was busy and said;

'Never a dull moment'

Last moment for you

Bridge

A feud had ended and when asked about it, someone said;

'It's all water under the bridge now'

It's all bodies under my lawn now.

Bury

Wanting to end a feud, a friend said;

'Let's bury the hatchet'

So I did. In his skull.

Life

Pleased with himself for making some sort of minor achievment, a colleague said to me;

'Life's not a rehearsal!'

Doesn't really matter because yours is over.

Idiot

Annoyed at being ill treated a colleague said;

'Do I look like a fucking idiot?!'

Well, quite frankly, Yes.

Six

Saying that something didn't matter, a friend said;

'It's six of one and half a dozen of the other'

I hit him for six alright.

Swings

Saying that something didn't matter, a friend said;

'It all swings and roundabouts really'

I swung him from the gallows.

Snooze

I missed the opportunity to buy a concert ticket and a friend who had been successful said;

'You snooze, You lose'

Poor man lost his life

Stick

I was discussing footwear with someone and they stated that they had more training shoes...

''than you could shake a stick at'

It just doesn't mean anything

Going

I asked how someone was and they replied;

'I don't know if I'm coming or going'

You're going

Bed

I made a mistake and someone said;

'You've made your bed, you had better lie in it'

Well, you just dug your grave

Bills

I asked how a friend's job was and they said;

'It pays the bills'

Let's hope it covers your funeral then.

M25

I said that I had had some difficulty driving on the London ring road and someone said;

'M25? Biggest Car park in Britain'

Under Tarmac for you.

Wolves

How's your job?

'Oh, you know, it keeps the Wolves from the door'

But Granny, how six feet under you are.

Traffic

I asked someone how their journey was and they replied;

'Traffic was Murder'

Good, you're used to it then

Survivor

How are you?

'I'm surviving'

Not any more

Shovel

A mate had bought a new car and he said;

'It goes like shit off a shovel'

I wonder how he tested the speed of shit off a shovel?

Goes

Appraising a female a friend said;

'I bet she goes!'

Goes where?

Born

An old timer said to me;

'Kids today don't know they're born'

Well I expect they do really, don't they twat!

Paint

Suggesting something was boring, a friend said;

'That's like watching Paint dry'

How the Fuck would anybody know what watching Paint dry is like?!

Dishwater

Feeling something was boring, someone stated;

'That's as dull as dishwater'

Nothing dull about drowning you in a bowl of it though

Sensible

Suggesting someone was sensible, a colleague said;

'He's got his head screwed on'

You would have thought that that was not entirely sensible really, as a neck appears to be the best option

Head

Having been absent minded, someone said;

'I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on'

I removed it, but just couldn't see how to screw it back on

Special

I proposed that I should be the one to do something, that I assume someone else thought I should not when they said;

'What makes you so special then?'

I'm a serial killer

Gate

Asking someone where they were going on Holiday, they said;

'Our Gate'

Gates of Hell for you mate

(I believe this is a play on Margate by the way)

Good

Greeting a colleague, I said 'Good Morning' and he replied

'what's good about it?'

Not much for you, as it's your last

Sweet

I offered a visitor a Coffee. Asking if they wanted Sugar, they replied;

'No thanks, I'm sweet enough'

Should make my grass grow well when your six feet under my lawn then.

Double

Two friends were talking, one said 'gosh it's hot today'

The other replied 'you can say that again'

The first one then repeated 'gosh it's hot today'

Double Homicide!

Party

I said that I thought someone had had a good idea and they said (pointing to head then groin);

'Up here for thinking and down here partying'

I cut them off and swapped them over. Bet that confused him.

Nose

Stating something was obvious, someone said;

'It's as plain as the nose on your face'

Not now I've sliced it off with a blunt razor.

Hatrack

I praised an employee for being clever and he said (pointing to his head);

'This isn't just a Hatrack you know'

I know. It also makes a great football.

Wash

I was explaining a problem I had and a friend said;

'It will all come out in the wash'

Blood doesn't and I'm covered in it after chopping him up into bite size chunks.

Off

Telling someone I was leaving I said 'I'm off' and they replied;

'I thought I could smell something!'

Do it without a face you fucking imbecile.

Win

Talking about something that someone likes to pretend, for some odd reason, they can not afford, they say;

'When I win the Lottery!'

The chances of that are 147,000,000 to one. The chances on you dying are evens.

Camp

I do not have a problem expressing my anger and actually I find it rather therapeutic. Imagine my chagrin then, when a work colleague said;

'You're not a happy camper today'

I couldn't help chuckling at the irony of how a body bag did look a bit like a sleeping bag.

End

I had had some bad news and a friend said;

'It's not the end of the World'

It is for you

Wood

Being optimistic but also fearing fate a friend said;

'Touch Wood'

I touched them with a baseball bat. That's touching wood for you mate.

Cap

I accused someone of being stupid and they said;

'If the Cap fits, wear it'

Size 9 concrete boots for you then.

Half

I greeted someone, 'all right?' and they chose to respond;

'No mate, I'm half left'

Left for dead, that's how I fucking left him.

Fire

I said that I doubted someone's theory and they said;

'Well, there's no smoke without fire'

I certainly proved that there is smoke with fire, by setting his hair alight.

Roll

A colleague was feeling tired of life and exclaimed;

'Roll on Christmas'

Why? Are you leaving then?

6

Having been surprised, my friend said;

'It really knocked me for six'

So did I. With a cricket bat.

Africa

Remember your Mum saying this when you hadn't finished your tea?

'There are starving children in Africa who would love to have that in front of them.'

With all due respect Mother, I don't think anyone would want to have this in front of them.

Waste

Remember your Mum saying this when you hadn't finished your tea?

'Waste not, want not'

Bollocks! I still want new parents.

Million

Remember your Mum saying this?

'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times........ '

Fuck off Mum.

Feather

I said something someone was surprised at and they said;

'Well knock me down with a Feather'

I'd rather use this brick if it's ok with you.

Complain

How are you?

'Can't complain'

Why not? The world's shit while you're in it.

ill

Someone I knew was ill, so I asked them how they were;

'I'll live'

I doubt that.

Medicine

I offered someone an alcoholic drink and they accepted with the phrase;

'Oh go on then, just for medicinal purposes'

Yeah, you need medicine you sick fuck.

Horse

I was making someone some food and they said;

'I'm so hungry I could eat a Horse'

Eat Lead you prick.

n.b. I also understand that 'scabby cat' is a favourite of Banals.

Broken

I suggested that we make some changes at work and someone said;

'If it isn't broken, don't fix it'

Fix this broken leg you fucker.

Dull

To express how busy he was at work, a colleague said to me;

'Never a dull day!'

Never another day for you mate.

Rehearsal

I said that I didn't want to join in with something and someone said;

'Life's not a rehearsal'

Curtains closed for you, you prick.

Face

I congratulated a colleague on a job well done and they replied;

'I'm not just a pretty face you know'

No. You're a pretty fucking ugly face you know.

Chips

Exclaiming how inexpensive something was, someone said to me;

'They are as cheap as chips'

Like you're wife.

Eggs

Stating that some thing is a definite someone might say;

'As sure as eggs is eggs'

As sure as eggs is eggs, you're a gonner

Trying

A friend of mine asked what I was doing. I said 'I'm trying to fix this light', to which she replied;

'Trying? Yes, you're very trying'

I tried her. Found her guilty. She got hung.

Young

I said I was old at 39 years and someone said;

'You're as old as the Woman you feel'

Great, that's just taken off 25 years

Old

I said that I was old at 39 years and someone said;

'You're as old as you feel'

Great, that's just added 25 years

Science

Trying to demonstrate that something was simple, my Boss said;

'It's not Rocket Science'

I know, I have a degree in Rocket Science. You clearly only have a degree in Banality.

Fish

I made a comment and someone replied;

'What's that got to do with the price of fish?'

Prick

5

I think I must hear this everyday. Ask someone at work if they're ok and they say;

'I will be when it's 5 o'clock'

Why? Do you become less of a nauseating twat at 5?

Hips

A woman was eating a cake and her female friend said;

'A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!'

Well it will be longer on your lips then.

Watch

Can I watch the TV dad?

'Yes, but don't turn it on.'

An orphan so young.

Biscuits

I put a large plate of biscuits out for a meeting at work and this guy says;

'What are you going to eat?'

Your wife's pussy.

Woods

Fancy a pint?

'Do Bears shit in the woods?'

Well You can find out when I've buried you in them.

Dollar

How's work going?

'Another day, another Dollar'

You really don't deserve to earn that much.

Same

How's work going?

'Same shit, different day'

Same you as well unfortunately.

Mud

I showed someone some instructions and they said;

'They're as clear as Mud'

Best you become familiar then, as you're going to be under 6 feet of the stuff.

Desk

I was having a fag outside the office and a colleague said to me;

'You might as well move your desk out here!'

Well you might as well move yours to the cemetary, because that's where you're destined.

Book

New Film out? Inevitably You will hear this;

'It's not as good as the Book though.'

Wouldn't know mate, I can't read.

postscript; I am planning to do a count of the number of times that I hear this comment about the Da Vinci Code and will post the results after a month or so.

Miserable

It's raining and someone says;

'Miserable out there isn't it'

Not as miserable as being in here with you.

Lotto

Standing behind someone in a queue and they say to the underpaid fool at the counter;

'Can I have the winning Lottery ticket please.'

They laugh politely and say that they will do their best. Why didn't they just say that it was the millionth time that they had heard that pathetic excuse for a joke and that they really needed something better than that, for example drink and drugs, to improve their day and actually, no, they couldn't have the winning lottery ticket, or any ticket in fact and that they could just Fuck right off. I just can't work it out.

Similar

I told someone what I thought of them and I believe they assumed me to portray similar characteristics when they said;

'Pot, Kettle, Black!'

Ready, Aim, Fire!

Grumble

How are you?

'Mustn't grumble?'

Why not? There's not much that's good about you.

String

Asking how long something will take, you might hear the non-answer;

'How long's a piece of string?'

Hopefully long enough to make a noose.

Worry

When things aren't exactly going to plan someone might proffer the wisdom;

'Not to worry, not long 'til Christmas.'

Don't reckon you're going to make it mate.

To do

How are you?

'Oh You know, too much to do and not enough time'

Fine, I'll get off the fucking phone then.

Rip off

I was showing someone my new watch. They asked how much and I said £140.00, which I thought was reasonable. Evidently unimpressed, I received the following shot across the bows;

'Well they saw you coming, didn't they!'

Didn't see the Bus coming though did he and it wasn't even going that fast. Almost as though someone had pushed him out in front of it, however I was the only one around and I can tell you he slipped on a patch of ice.