Rehearsal

I said that I didn't want to join in with something and someone said;

'Life's not a rehearsal'

Curtains closed for you, you prick.

Face

I congratulated a colleague on a job well done and they replied;

'I'm not just a pretty face you know'

No. You're a pretty fucking ugly face you know.

Chips

Exclaiming how inexpensive something was, someone said to me;

'They are as cheap as chips'

Like you're wife.

Eggs

Stating that some thing is a definite someone might say;

'As sure as eggs is eggs'

As sure as eggs is eggs, you're a gonner

Trying

A friend of mine asked what I was doing. I said 'I'm trying to fix this light', to which she replied;

'Trying? Yes, you're very trying'

I tried her. Found her guilty. She got hung.

Young

I said I was old at 39 years and someone said;

'You're as old as the Woman you feel'

Great, that's just taken off 25 years

Old

I said that I was old at 39 years and someone said;

'You're as old as you feel'

Great, that's just added 25 years

Science

Trying to demonstrate that something was simple, my Boss said;

'It's not Rocket Science'

I know, I have a degree in Rocket Science. You clearly only have a degree in Banality.

Fish

I made a comment and someone replied;

'What's that got to do with the price of fish?'

Prick

5

I think I must hear this everyday. Ask someone at work if they're ok and they say;

'I will be when it's 5 o'clock'

Why? Do you become less of a nauseating twat at 5?

Hips

A woman was eating a cake and her female friend said;

'A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!'

Well it will be longer on your lips then.

Watch

Can I watch the TV dad?

'Yes, but don't turn it on.'

An orphan so young.

Biscuits

I put a large plate of biscuits out for a meeting at work and this guy says;

'What are you going to eat?'

Your wife's pussy.

Woods

Fancy a pint?

'Do Bears shit in the woods?'

Well You can find out when I've buried you in them.

Dollar

How's work going?

'Another day, another Dollar'

You really don't deserve to earn that much.

Same

How's work going?

'Same shit, different day'

Same you as well unfortunately.

Mud

I showed someone some instructions and they said;

'They're as clear as Mud'

Best you become familiar then, as you're going to be under 6 feet of the stuff.

Desk

I was having a fag outside the office and a colleague said to me;

'You might as well move your desk out here!'

Well you might as well move yours to the cemetary, because that's where you're destined.

Book

New Film out? Inevitably You will hear this;

'It's not as good as the Book though.'

Wouldn't know mate, I can't read.

postscript; I am planning to do a count of the number of times that I hear this comment about the Da Vinci Code and will post the results after a month or so.

Miserable

It's raining and someone says;

'Miserable out there isn't it'

Not as miserable as being in here with you.